Thursday, November 13, 2014

Today I Failed As a Mother

Today, I was a failure. At least I felt like I was. I have this dream, this aspiration, to be a kind-hearted, soft-spoken, gentle woman and mother. You know, like Michelle Duggar. That woman never raises her voice (on TV) and her children just obey her and play nice together as if they are angels. Why doesn’t that work for me?! On days like today I just feel like such a horrible person. I am short tempered and irritable and quick to respond in anger; sadly, to my children and husband.
She is not happy

I just have such a lofty ideal of what kind of mother I should be, and I keep falling so short. I have two sets of twins, under the age of 2, yes. So people constantly exclaim to me, “I just don’t know how you do it!” Well, the truth is, some days I don’t “do it.” Some days I am just barely scraping by. I have this strange feeling that I have to smile and seem as if parenting 4 babies is a breeze, that I have “this” all under control. But I don’t.

Ahh, the chaos

Don’t get me wrong. Some days do seem like a breeze. And I really do have wonderful children. God has blessed us with some amazing kids. But on days where 3 of them are teething, and I have changed 9 diapers by 12:00 noon, 6 of which were big poopies, and someone is always crying…on those days, like today, I feel defeated. I speak harshly to my children, and then I feel terrible; sometimes I cry.
He wont stop climbing in there and getting stuck!
And then crying about it!

And sometimes I remember God, and pray, asking for His help and strength. Why is He an afterthought? Why do I try to do this parenting thing without Him as my pilot, my guide? It seems that only when I am on my knees in frustration and/or self-loathing that I turn to Him. But do you know what? When I do turn to Him, my despair lifts and I can smile again and speak sweetly. Maybe someday I will get things right and start my day off with God rather than simply ending it with him. Hmmm….

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