Being a Mommy Brings Out the Best and Worst in Me

Part One: The Worst

Have you ever been going about your day, minding your own business, when out of nowhere you catch a glimpse of yourself and you cannot believe that it is really you? Your actions/words/thoughts just seem so foreign? Since becoming a mommy to my second set of twins (19 months apart) this has been happening a lot lately.

I guess I wasn’t too stressed with the first set. I mean, twins are all I have ever known. So it wasn’t more or less stressful than having one baby at a time because I had never lived any other way. About 3 months after the second set was born I started changing. I began to notice things in my behavior that I hadn’t seen much of previously.

I am usually a calm, patient, positive, and gentle person. But man, 4 children under the age of 2 quickly changed that. I became irritable with a short fuse. I found myself raising my voice and yelling. All. The. Time. I was so stressed and not sleeping much. Everything was negative. The negativity in our home was tangible. You could cut it with a knife. I was speaking harshly to my children and my face was contorting into these ugly, scary expressions. I can only imagine what I must have looked like to my tiny, precious, sweet children. I was a monster. At least I felt like a monster. On particularly bad days, when 10 out of the last 12 hours were filled with screaming, crying, moaning and poop…so much poop, I would have moments when I felt like I was literally losing it. I would open my mouth and venomous words would just come spewing out of my mouth. I imagined myself looking like the chick from The Exorcist, with my head spinning around. I began to hate myself. I loathed what and who I was becoming.

I was in a spiritual wilderness. God, my Rock, is unchanging. He never left my side. But oh did I wander. I was filling my mind and heart with things of this world and letting my Bible and my praying knees gather dust. I was breaking inside and my soul was so dry and aching for the cool, restorative waters of God, but for a long time I thought I was just going crazy or had postpartum depression. It took 4 months of this for me to realize that these behaviors of mine didn’t come from out of the blue. Trees don’t just appear; they have roots in something. Well, my tree was sporting rotten fruit and the roots were being fed from the ugliness that my treacherous heart was harboring.

The Bible is full of scriptures that warn us that what is in our hearts is what will flow from our mouths.  So one night my husband and I talked. I mean really talked. And we realized that we had been living under a cloud of negativity in our home and neglecting our relationship with each other and with God. That night, we both hit our knees in prayer. That was a life changing moment. Life has become so much more enjoyable! Now that I am daily spending time with God through prayer, devotionals, scripture reading, etc. I am able to recognize when I am becoming uber irritable, and bring it down a notch. God has given me so much joy. He has helped me to serve even when I don’t want to. He has helped me to speak kindly and semi-control my temper ( I was born a read head ya know).

I also finally went to see a doctor about the bi-monthly periods I was having. She put me on birth control to help regulate my hormones. It makes me really nauseas but I think it is helping. I only had one period last month, so only one week of PMS; yay! God, and prayer is always the answer. God will move mountains for you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to pick up a shovel! Meaning, ask God for help, but take medication when you need it. In my case, I needed something to help regulate my wacky hormones. I needed Zoloft right after the second set of twins were born to help me stop crying all the time; and that is okay. There can be such a stigma in the Christian community in regards to taking anti-depressants and the like. But honestly, why? Our brothers and sisters should do what is necessary to remain sane and healthy.

 So if you feel the way I described, you are not alone. But pray. Ask God to show you what is really going on with you and please don’t be embarrassed because you are not perfect. Ask for help. Seek a doctor’s help if need be. I bet there is a mother you know who is secretly struggling too but is too ashamed or proud to ask for help. Be strong for her if not for yourself. Speak up.