Abortion. The "A" Word.

Abortion. This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. It is a subject that is almost always a topic of much controversy. Pro life? Pro choice? When does life begin? Does the father get a say? To be clear, I am pro life. I believe that life begins the moment an egg meets with sperm. I believe that every life deserves a chance; yes, even in the case of rape or incest. Francine Rivers wrote a book called the Atonement Child. You should read it. It will break your heart, unveil your eyes, and change your view on unwanted pregnancies…life changing. Some of you may find the following post to be graphic and/or bold...well good. I want my blog to not only offer great reviews and giveaways, but to also offer my heart. And to address real issues; even the ones many people try to ignore. 

The world recently followed the court hearing of Dr. Kermit Gosnell who was on trial for murdering infants after they were born (as well as performing countless abortions, many of them terribly late term) by cutting their spinal cords after they were delivered and whimpering.  The accounts from his staff, former clients, and what was found in his office is heinous. This man kept aborted fetuses in bags and water bottles in the staff refrigerator and had filthy equipment and blood stained furniture…and this is only one abortionist that was caught. This type of thing is done every day but it isn’t exposed like this case.

I would like to share with you my friend Erin’s story. She has had multiple abortions and has lived quite a life. She is honestly one of the most beautiful, brave, strong, humble, loving women I know. She has found such amazing freedom, forgiveness and healing from God through this wonderful Retreat called Deeper Still. Erin is actually now the director of a chapter of Deeper Still in Lancaster, PA. Please take a moment and read her story. If you have had an abortion, know someone who has, or are pregnant and considering one, please, read this and see if Deeper Still is right for you. Regardless, this is an amazing account of one woman’s journey to healing.

Erin’s Story:

While I was not raised in a Christian home, I had gone to church enough with my Grandmother to know I didn’t want to go to Hell and to recognize the more popular Bible stories when I heard them. I even asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7, but didn’t fully know what that meant for many years.

I was molested several times as a child and was exposed to drugs, drinking, and soft pornography at a very young age by babysitters and friends’ older siblings. I think all of this opened me up to be susceptible to all those things once I became a teenager.

My mom started going to church when I was about 12 and I tried to fit in there, but it was hard and I already had so much shame and guilt from the things that happened to me when I was younger, I never really felt connected. It didn’t take long for me to find the “wrong” crowd in high school, I just seemed to fit in better with them and even though I was smart, I in no way wanted to be considered a nerd or worse, a Christian, so I denied all of the things that would put me into those categories.

Smoking pot and having sex became a regular thing by the time I was 15. At 16 I discovered I was pregnant, I knew right away I did not want a child, so even though just a few years before that I read a book which described in detail what abortion was and swore I would never do that, I looked up abortion in the Yellow Pages and called the closest clinic to me. I didn’t go through with it that time, I gave that child, my son, up for adoption, but only because I had no money and no one to pay for the abortion. But within the next 2 years, I had my first 2 abortions. The first one was just because I knew I still didn’t want a child and I now had a job, so I didn’t need to rely on anyone, I could take care of myself. The second abortion was within a year of the first. I had closed down so much and was still so full of guilt and shame that after I was raped by my boyfriend’s step-father, I knew I had no other choice and I wasn’t going to be like those other women who had abortions and regretted it. I was fine, I could take care of myself and besides, I had no other choice, right?

Fast forward a few years; I had another son I gave up for adoption, because I clearly heard God (didn’t realize it was Him at the time) tell me not to abort him, because that was the plan. I got married to a very abusive, in every way, heroin addict, and even became an addict myself for 2 years;  I was in and out of jail during that time and when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I needed to change my life, even though I had no idea how to do that. I did leave my husband after a particularly violent night when my daughter was almost 1, realizing I would be raising my daughter to think this was a normal life and this is the kind of man she would ultimately seek after.

Fast forward a few more years; I went from relationship to relationship, never finding what I was really seeking after. I had a miscarriage and thought I deserved it after all that I had done. I also figured God would not let me have any more children because I had aborted 2 already, which was ok with me, I didn’t really want any more anyway (this was all subconscious, I wouldn’t realize I felt that way for many years). Then, I ended up moving to St. Croix where I once again fell into drinking heavily and cocaine use. I would have my third abortion while I was there. I was actually mad at God for allowing me to get pregnant; didn’t He know who I was?

After coming back from there, I met my current husband in a bar and we were only together a few months, when I found out I was pregnant. Again, I was so angry at God for allowing this to happen. I told my husband I would take care of it, and he shouldn’t worry about it, but to my surprise, he actually objected to the abortion! While I ultimately told him “Well, it’s my body, so it’s my choice.” we did end up getting married and having the baby, my second daughter.

In the next several years, he went to rehab and we both gave our lives to the Lord. During that time I did receive healing through prayer counseling in regards to my abortions and a lot of other things from my past. So, when the opportunity came up for me to go to a Deeper Still retreat, I really didn’t think I needed it, but wanted to be obedient to God, who told me to go, so I went. I am so grateful that I did. My life has not been the same since. Not only did I receive a deeper healing in this area, I also have been able to watch my destiny unfold and have started a chapter of Deeper Still in my area. When I look back on my life I realize the enemy has known all along I would be a great threat to him, no wonder he tried so hard to destroy me, but God really does take ashes and turn them into beauty! My life is a testimony to that.